A Taste of Russian Culture

Masha, My Mother says to me... let's go out today. It is such a nice day, let's go enjoy the weather and the sights. Alright. Well that doesn't sound bad at all, let me cancel my plans.

"What exactly are we going to do, Mom?"

"Oh I don't know, let's see where the day takes us... I sort of want to visit the furniture museum."

"The furniture museum?"

"Well it's more like modern art. There are gardens there. Ice skating too!"

"Oh, weird. Sounds cool. I'm down."

So we leave our little house, and it is quite a nice day out. I'm convinced that the clouds in Russia are much closer to the ground. I feel like I can touch them if I jump high enough.

"Masha, Masha, here stand here, this is a great photo opportunity! You can show your friends!"

"Well.... ok. I'm pretty sure it's just a street sign and a beer truck... but ok. Sure"

Then we went the Metro. It's actually against the law to take photos inside, I have no idea why but it is true.

"Masha, Masha, watch out for policemen, I am going to take photos!"


"Ok. Wait Mom, aren't those policemen over there?!"


"NO! HAHA. You are stupid, those are students training to be policemen, see they are wearing greenish gray? Well policemen wear just gray! Honestly, Masha!"


Yes yes of course. Just gray. How amazingly STUPID of me. All those years of college, gone to waste, honestly. Meanwhile she takes about four photos, two of which are of the lamps. No no Mom, they ARE really cool lamps. Honestly. The coolest.

We arrive at the Modern Furniture Art Museum.

Otherwise known as Ikea.

"What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?! What the fuck is this?! Where are the gardens?! The Ice Skating?! This is NOT a Museum of Modern Art!"

"Ikea is very modern Masha. Also it sells art! I'm not a liar there are gardens! There is ice skating!"

"You said we were going to enjoy the weather!!! See some sights!!! You have taken me to a GIANT SHOPPING CENTER!!!"

"Masha, do you think we should get these matte plates in brown or the gray? And look at those cute little cactus's!"

"Gray... God DAMMIT! I hate you"

The Gardens. Inside the Giant Shopping Center. Otherwise known as Capitalist Hell.


She didn't lie about the Ice Skating Rink. I guess. I mean she didn't exactly mention it was in a Mall... but ok. You know what, I'm trying to be positive here.


I've been bamboozled. By my very own mother. For SHAME.

She just walked by and hit me for not reminding her to buy hangers. I live with the DEVIL.

Кавказская пленница

Or "How A Lack of Sour Cream Nearly Led to My Kidnapping". Alternate street title of: "What The Fuck?! I Am Definitely Worth More Than Two Chickens and A Goat You Asshole!"

Why the fuck does this keep happening to me? Do I look buy-able? First in Casablanca, now here. It's always for livestock too, never anything really awesome. Woohoo a camel. Ooooh great a goat. Why not some gold? A piece of land somewhere? What the fuck is anyone going to do with a goat?

I was just going to the village store for some sour cream that the children could put on their cottage cheese... No I'm serious, I don't get it either but that's what my grandma told me! I WASN'T ASKING FOR IT OK?! Russian kids eat weird shit. Anyways. So here I am, all innocent, listening to Paper Planes on my ipod and maybe slightly getting jiggy wit it (nah nah NAH nah nah NAH NAH), when I realize that this guy has been walking slightly behind me, and talking to me.

(On a side note: How much do you hate it when people talk to you when you have your headphones in? I always feel mad guilty but at the same time I'm like, dude they are lime green headphones, how do you not see them? Do you not know what they mean? I'm hardly wearing them as a fashion statement, you now? Unless the statement is "I'm fucking listening to some sweet jams right now because I don't want to hear the surrounding bullshit")

Anyways. So I take the headphones out and he comes up to me, and the minute he starts speaking I realize that ethnically he's not Russian. I speak in a slightly accented Russian, but this kid sounded like Borat on crack. Maybe that's his game: he spouts ridiculous shit and the ladies don't run away screaming because they aren't sure if they heard him correctly. Then before they know it they are lovers in his apartment, with her parents the confused owners of some useless livestock. Very naice! Basically this is the conversation:

Him: Young lady! Young lady... hello?!
Me: Um. Hello
Him: Young lady, may I make your acquaintance?
Me: (awkward pause) Well. Sure, alright
Him: My name is Alec
Me: My name is Masha
Alec: Masha?

(Yes only the most common Russian girls name ever. Dude you are in Russia. Why the fuck are you repeating my name like you are trying to get the pronunciation right? There is no fucking way you have made it across the border, and this far into the country without encountering another Masha. No. Fucking. Way. So basically you are a moron. )

Me: Yes. (Moron)
Alec: Masha, when I saw you pass my gate, I thought "This girl is very not bad. Very pretty".


(What a great shitty compliment. At least he had an ok follow up. I bet he hit on me because I still had the dandelion wreath still on my head like an idiot. Oh an in the language of flowers, Dandelions mean coquetry. So not only do they steal the light and other nutrient from REAL flowers but they also RUIN LIVES. Yeah I said it. Dandelions aren't real flowers. Bring it, dandelions. BRING IT.)

(On another side not, Dandelion wreathes are pretty easy to make -> I can teach you. If you aren't a total idiot.)

Me: (Pause) Oh. Well. Thank you. I think.
Alec: Masha, may I make your acquaintance as a lover?
Me: (Long confused pause) Wait... what?
Alec: I wish for us to become lovers. Us! Lovers!

(Very long pause during which I stare at him open mouthed and very confused, still trying to figure out whether maybe somehow I misinterpreted him. Alec meanwhile is nodding his head enthusiastically, smiling but completely fucking serious. I only wonder if this has ever worked for him. Clearly not if he's accosting strange women he sees on the road to be his bride)

Me: No... no thank you.

(I pride myself on being polite)

Alec: Oh well can I have your number?
Me: I don't have a number. I'm not from around here.
Alec: (Suspicious look) You don't have a number? Where are you from?
Me: America. Boston. (In response to his confused look I elaborate further, trying to enunciate more clearly) U S A! America!
Alec: Is that near Dubna? (The neighboring town)

(What the fuck is wrong with some Russian people? This is even worse than that time this Russian girl, after learning I was American, asked me whether I lived in L.A. or New York. Ummmm New York I guess? I didn't even really bother trying to answer Boston. The girl was clearly an idiot)

Me: (incredulous look) Um... no. Not exactly. At all. It's a different country
Alec: Oh. Ok. Sure. So what is your number? Give it to me.

(I hate it when people don't believe logic)

Me: I. DO. NOT. HAVE. ONE. I am visiting my Grandmother.
Alec: Fine. (pause) So do you want to be my lover?
Me: No!
Alec: We can get married. I have an apartment.

(Oh what sweet words! Truly a great and wonderful word smith. My knees tremble at the romance of it all. This is basically his version of "So cutie, wanna fuck?")

Me: So do I! I have an apartment too!
Alec: I have a goat.

(Bastard got me there)

Me: (Pause) Oh. Well I don't have a goat. Still no.
Alec: You have a man?
Me: YES!! Yes. Yes. I have a man.

(Realizing my stupidity for not trying this tack before, and praising Nick for his existence since sometimes I suck at lying, I grab on to the idea rather enthusiastically. To the point where I almost shout yes. Inside... I was dancing. I'm not ashamed to admit it)

Alec: (seems upset) oh. (silent for a bit)
Me: ...sorry.
Alec: Well do you want to be my lover sometimes? When your man is not around?
Me: No. No. No. One man is more than enough for me thanks.

(Foolishly I try to reason with him, yeah because clearly he is very logical)

Me: Listen, you don't even know me. What if these aren't my teeth? What is I am horribly ugly and snore very loudly?
Alec: Haha. You are funny. I can buy you from your man.

(This actually freaked me the fuck out, because for one horrible moment I thought that he actually had the power to buy me, and everyone knows that Nick loves a good deal. Also since he no longer has kitten, he might be looking for a new pet. Ok this actually has the power to frighten me still)

Me: Um. What? No...
Alec: I have two chickens and a goat.
Me: Well... as FINE of an offer as that is, the answer is still no.

(Important Lesson learned: Sarcasm is NOT universally understood)

Alec: You tell him. He'll trade. Here is my number. You may call me. Any time.
Me: I don't want this, I have no phone.
Alec: You know, in my country, I could take you and you could just be my wife. (Pause) (Bright Smile) Call me!

(HOLY SHIT! Did he just threaten to kidnap me?)

Me: (Absolutely fucking terrified) Yes. OK. bye.

What. The. Fuck. No seriously. I need to eat a yogurt and thank god for my close escape. WHAT THE FUCK.




This is a great old Soviet Movie about Bride Kidnapping. It has the Russian three stooges and the dance that my mother is still trying to convince me is sexy. I believe her.

I'm HERE!

My mother won't stop commenting on my blog title. I can tell we are really going to get close these next couple of months. Whether I like it or not. No mom, no my friends know there are no bears in Moscow. Yes yes it IS a bustling city, and there is much commerce (I am almost positive that she doesn't actually know what this word means but has heard it used in a similar context). Yes I'll be sure to mention how there are not that many bears in the city... What the fuck? not MANY bears? why the fuck are there bears? WHAT?!? Circuses... ok. The Zoo... ok. What do you mean Museums? Oh dead ones... ok. WHAT DO YOU MEAN STREET PERFORMERS?!?! Oh dear god just please go get me some grapes, I have no idea what you are talking about. Thank you.


Toy Story is on in the background and its that scene where Buzz and Woody are meeting all the deformed toys in that bad boys room and my little brother is scared. This means he is no longer jumping up and down on the couch but has his arms wrapped around my neck and is whimpering. Fucking Adorable. I had to add the fucking because my lil bro is bad ass ALWAYS. Oh ok so it's a different scene now and I am no longer Fearless Defender against Scary Movie Scenes but Head Lego Constructer (...of the universe I hope). I've missed this. It's true.




Ok I have to go fulfill my sisterly duties and construct a Lego truck for George. I will be on later. I don't think I'm going to go anywhere tonight. Well except maybe the blues bar that is ACROSS THE STREET.

Cabled Ear Flap Hat -> aka I have the flu

I have crocheted hats for like a billion people but couldn't for the life of me crochet myself a hat... or scarf for that matter. I'm too picky, I get caught in these existentialist struggles concerning my identity and how it will be reflected by the hat/scarf I choose to make for myself. I know thats absolutely ridiculous yet I find it SO much easier to make stuff for other people. Finally though I stumbled across Rheatheylia's free pattern for a cabled hat on her blog and was totally inspired to make my own. I used Caron Simply Soft in silver for the hat, and it came out really nice, like the yarn wasn't too heavy, it was soft and stretchy... basically perfect. I lined it with black fleece because the hat was a bit drafty due to the cabling. I was hoping to have it finished in time to ward off the flu thats been going around... alas I was too late. I finished the hat last night while watching lectures and this morning I went to the health center and was diagnosed with the flu. Dammit!


I guess I have time to make an accompanying scarf... though I'm really having trouble picking out a pattern. I'm experimenting with some of my own original ideas... I think I want the scarf to have a braided rope-y look, reminiscent of the braided cords on the ear flaps. What do you think?

Georges Dragon

Yes I think its pretty much official that my little brother is dragon obsessed. I made this over a month ago, but I haven't had a chance to post it up because life has been very hectic lately. I used a modified version of THIS dragon pattern. Once I realized it was all a matter of increasing and decreasing in certain areas I started winging it. Which may explain why my dragon looks slightly like a seahorse.


I would also recommend NOT asking picky six-year old boys their opinion or input. Right away they demand something impossible like "Can you make it breath actual fire?". Um. No. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I wish I could. Jeez. Also George wanted me to attach the wings in a way that I didn't really understand so I just attached them the normal way and when he saw the dragon he burst into tears and asked me why I messed up the wings. Hmph. This was after I had spent like two days working on it with him looking over my shoulder and being all like "Why isn't it done yet? Why are you eating instead of working on my dragon? Where are you going, you need to stay home and work on my dragon!". SHEESH. I threatened to take the dragon and then he was all like "NO! This is the best dragon ever! Thank you my wonderful sister, you are beautiful as well as talented...". Well I wish he said that. No but he did thank me and about five minutes later demanded a companion for his new friend.



I also left the embroidering of the eyes and so on to my mother, so this really isn't the finished dragon, but now that I am back at school I do not know when I'll have new photos of it. So here it is.