Just imagine this scenario. You are peacefully lying in a loft bed, innocently reading out loud from Dr. Seuss's The Cat In The Hat, when out of nowhere, a Bear punches you in your left eyebrow. You do not expect this. In fact, my reaction was to scream "WHATTHEFUCK?!" and almost fall out of the bed. That's until the pain hit and stunned me into being immobile for a few minutes. Then a few seconds after the first wave of mind numbing pain subsided a bit, I was able to curl into the fetal position with my hand over my eye and commence the sobbing/hysterical laughter.
No seriously, first of all I think my eyebrow is fractured or something because it's VERY sensitive to the touch. Also I am terrified of sleeping in the lofted bed since clearly being 2 feet from the ceiling will not have any affect on flying bear attacks.
Reasons why I am afraid of the loft bed:
1. I can fall out of it
2. The ladder can break loose from the bed and I can fall
3. It was constructed by some random male my mother captured in the building and thus I do not trust that it is well built. I am going to say it has NO structural integrity. I'm not quite sure what that means. But I am sure the bed doesn't have it.
4. Loose screws fall onto the mattress and then I get scratched
5. Rape By the Lego-Men
6. Bear Attack
... really the list can go on and on and on.
Oh Oh! Do NOT be fooled by the cuteness. Or the plastic. This is one mean/deadly son of a bitch. It is not just a random plastic bear, who you'd imagine weighs nothing and just sits around brining happiness and light into lives.
Well. He brings light. When he has batteries. That's right. This is a bear FLASHLIGHT! Oh how useful and adorable, you might exclaim. Well shut the fuck up. That makes him heavy and classifies him under things you could be bludgeoned with. You wont think he's so fucking adorable when he's flying at you going 50 mph.
NOT. FUNNY. AT. ALL.
I want to mention that the reaction of my mother was to laugh. While her daughter was sobbing and in obvious pain, did she yell at George? No. Did she ask if I was ok? It doesn't count if it's done while laughing. Actually she asked me to be careful and not break it. It BROKE my FACE!!
WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!