Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Кавказская пленница

Or "How A Lack of Sour Cream Nearly Led to My Kidnapping". Alternate street title of: "What The Fuck?! I Am Definitely Worth More Than Two Chickens and A Goat You Asshole!"

Why the fuck does this keep happening to me? Do I look buy-able? First in
Casablanca, now here. It's always for livestock too, never anything really awesome. Woohoo a camel. Ooooh great a goat. Why not some gold? A piece of land somewhere? What the fuck is anyone going to do with a goat?

I was just going to the village store for some sour cream that the children could put on their cottage cheese... No I'm serious, I don't get it either but that's what my grandma told me! I WASN'T ASKING FOR IT OK?! Russian kids eat weird shit. Anyways. So here I am, all innocent, listening to Paper Planes on my ipod and maybe slightly getting jiggy wit it (nah nah NAH nah nah NAH NAH), when I realize that this guy has been walking slightly behind me, and talking to me.

(On a side note: How much do you hate it when people talk to you when you have your headphones in? I always feel mad guilty but at the same time I'm like, dude they are lime green headphones, how do you not see them? Do you not know what they mean? I'm hardly wearing them as a fashion statement, you now? Unless the statement is "I'm fucking listening to some sweet jams right now because I don't want to hear the surrounding bullshit")

Anyways. So I take the headphones out and he comes up to me, and the minute he starts speaking I realize that ethnically he's not Russian. I speak in a slightly accented Russian, but this kid sounded like Borat on crack. Maybe that's his game: he spouts ridiculous shit and the ladies don't run away screaming because they aren't sure if they heard him correctly. Then before they know it they are lovers in his apartment, with her parents the confused owners of some useless livestock. Very naice! Basically this is the conversation:

Him: Young lady! Young lady... hello?!
Me: Um. Hello

Him: Young lady, may I make your acquaintance?
Me: (awkward pause) Well. Sure, alright

Him: My name is Alec
Me: My name is Masha
Alec: Masha?

(Yes only the most common Russian girls name ever. Dude you are in Russia. Why the fuck are you repeating my name like you are trying to get the pronunciation right? There is no fucking way you have made it across the border, and this far into the country without encountering another Masha. No. Fucking. Way. So basically you are a moron. )

Me: Yes. (Moron)

Alec: Masha, when I saw you pass my gate, I thought "This girl is very not bad. Very pretty".

(What a great shitty compliment. At least he had an ok follow up. I bet he hit on me because I still had the dandelion wreath still on my head like an idiot. Oh an in the language of flowers, Dandelions mean coquetry. So not only do they steal the light and other nutrient from REAL flowers but they also RUIN LIVES. Yeah I said it. Dandelions aren't real flowers. Bring it, dandelions. BRING IT.)

(On another side not, Dandelion wreathes are pretty easy to make -> I can teach you. If you aren't a total idiot.)

Me: (Pause) Oh. Well. Thank you. I think.
Alec: Masha, may I make your acquaintance as a lover?
Me: (Long confused pause) Wait... what?
Alec: I wish for us to become lovers. Us! Lovers!

(Very long pause during which I stare at him open mouthed and very confused, still trying to figure out whether maybe
somehow I misinterpreted him. Alec meanwhile is nodding his head enthusiastically, smiling but completely fucking serious. I only wonder if this has ever worked for him. Clearly not if he's accosting strange women he sees on the road to be his bride)

Me: No... no thank you.

(I pride myself on being polite)

Alec: Oh well can I have your number?
Me: I don't have a number. I'm not from around here.
Alec: (Suspicious look) You don't have a number? Where are you from?
Me: America. Boston. (In response to his confused look I elaborate further, trying to enunciate more clearly) U S A! America!
Alec: Is that near Dubna? (The neighboring town)

(What the fuck is wrong with some Russian people? This is even worse than that time this Russian girl, after learning I was American, asked me whether I lived in L.A. or New York. Ummmm New York I guess? I didn't even really bother trying to answer Boston. The girl was clearly an idiot)

Me: (incredulous look) Um... no. Not exactly. At all. It's a different country
Alec: Oh. Ok. Sure. So what is your number? Give it to me.

(I hate it when people don't believe logic)

Me: I. DO. NOT. HAVE. ONE. I am visiting my Grandmother.
Alec: Fine. (pause) So do you want to be my lover?
Me: No!
Alec: We can get married. I have an apartment.

(Oh what sweet words! Truly a great and wonderful word smith. My knees tremble at the romance of it all. This is basically his version of "So cutie, wanna fuck?")

Me: So do I! I have an apartment too!
Alec: I have a goat.

(Bastard got me there)

Me: (Pause) Oh. Well I don't have a goat. Still no.
Alec: You have a man?
Me: YES!! Yes. Yes. I have a man.

(Realizing my stupidity for not trying this tack before, and praising Nick for his existence since sometimes I suck at lying, I grab on to the idea rather enthusiastically. To the point where I almost shout yes. Inside... I was dancing. I'm not ashamed to admit it)

Alec: (seems upset) oh. (silent for a bit)
Me: ...sorry.
Alec: Well do you want to be my lover sometimes? When your man is not around?
Me: No.
No. No. One man is more than enough for me thanks.

(Foolishly I try to reason with him, yeah because clearly he is very logical)

Me: Listen, you don't even know me. What if these aren't my teeth? What is I am horribly ugly and snore very loudly?
Alec: Haha. You are funny. I can buy you from your man.

(This actually freaked me the fuck out, because for one horrible moment I thought that he actually had the power to buy me, and everyone knows that Nick loves a good deal. Also since he no longer has kitten, he might be looking for a new pet. Ok this actually has the power to frighten me still)

Me: Um. What? No...
Alec: I have two chickens and a goat.

Me: Well... as FINE of an offer as that is, the answer is still no.

(Important Lesson learned: Sarcasm is NOT universally understood)

Alec: You tell him. He'll trade. Here is my number. You may call me. Any time.
Me: I don't want this, I have no phone.
Alec: You know, in my country, I could take you and you could just be my wife. (Pause) (Bright Smile) Call me!

(HOLY SHIT! Did he just threaten to kidnap me?)

Me: (Absolutely fucking terrified) Yes. OK. bye.

What. The. Fuck. No seriously. I need to eat a yogurt and thank god for my close escape. WHAT THE FUCK.

This is a great old Soviet Movie about Bride Kidnapping. It has the Russian three stooges and the dance that my mother is still trying to convince me is sexy. I believe her.