Thursday, July 17, 2008

Productivity -> Hampered by Hotness

I'm talking about the heat and my own personal hott-ness. Vain? Yes, terribly. But come on, I look so good! I lost some more weight I think, and I got tan, and my stomach looks tight! Ch-ch-check it out! How did I accomplish this? Well. I'm sick of Russian food. I walk around a lot, and I have intense water fights with the neighborhood kids and apparently there's a shit ton of cardio in surprise sneak attacks.


Of course now it takes me double the amount of time to get dressed. Even less of my own clothing fits me and yet, STILL my mothers clothing looks like it was meant for preschoolers on my body. Oh she's so cute, oh she's so petite everyone says... well yeah but have you ever thought about how SELFISH is it for her to not at all resemble me in body shape, so that I can't wear ANY of her clothes without looking like I grew 4 feet overnight? Yeah. Think about that. Selfish selfish selfish. So yeah that and the fear of kidnapping/accidental marriage/rape makes getting dressed a production of epic proportions. That and it's like 90 degrees out. So I'm wearing shorts and a tshirt, almost ready to leave and my grandpa goes "Those are short shorts huh". Yes well... I mean... isn't that the point of shorts? Wait are you saying I look slutty? Um, well, slutty means... um, like a girl is really really popular with boys... you know, right? Never mind. Never mind. I don't think they had sluts in the Middle Ages. Oh wait, Mary Magdalene? No? Ok lets move on. I'll go change.

So basically I wear the same things over and over again. I did laundry today. That was interesting. I actually had to read the manual for that thing to figure it out. I'm proud to say I conquered the beast. Though this stumped me for some time:

I mean, I just couldn't figure it out. For a minutes I thought maybe I stuff the clothes in around the drum, and somehow that washes it... yeah I know. Thankfully my logic skills kicked in (they do exist, they are just rarely used), and I read the manual and figured it out. Though honestly, how many knobs and options are really needed here folks? I'm not washing a fucking tissue paper gown, I honestly just want my clothes to not smell of sweat. I don't think I own any delicate. Do you mean panties? Oh. Well yeah I own some of those, but honestly, I don't need so many options. Like temperature... why the fuck would I care what temperature my clothes are being washed at? I mean I get hot/warm/cold, but when you give me them in Celsius I'm stumped. Or when you give me the option of picking at what hertz my clothes get washed at. Slow down there buddy... is this washing machine built for nuclear physicists? What the fuck is a hertz?

Also... is this sound normal?

I hope so. I mean my clothes are clean... I think. Smelling nice counts as clean, correct? I also made Blini, and was patting myself on the back for being so productive when my grandfather came in and said "Oh Blini!? I know the PERFECT thing that goes with Blini". Guess what it was. I'll give you a hint. It was *NOT* the perfect thing that goes with Blini. Guess what this is:

If you guessed Mystery Fish in Jelly... that is correct. It is in fact, very smelly mystery fish in a Jello like substance. Only the deep love I have for my Grandpa compelled me to try a bit of this... the taste of which it seems like will never leave my mouth. It wasn't terrible... but it was not good. I think my Grandfathers presentation of it was off. First of all, don't open it and then SUCK THE JELLY. You just sucked fish jelly Grandpa. Yes. Yes you did I just saw you. That was disgusting. No, America has not made me SOFT, you just SUCKED unidentified FISH JELLY. It is NOTHING like Jello. How do I know? I just know!!! Did you seriously just compare it to jello? Grandpa, when was the last time you had Jello, and where did you get it because this is nothing like Jello!!!! Well, for one, it has fish bits floating in it. Jello does not ever ever have fish bits floating in it. Do I really need to move on to number two?! No I will not try it. No. No. No. No. Stop it. Stop it I'm not going to try it. Stop. Stop. Stop it. No. No. No. Wait wait wait... maybe... NO. Jesus. I see where my mother gets her fucking persistence.